Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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