He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
