it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
