Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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