i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
