I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
