I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Randomize
