I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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