My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just found puke in my bra..
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
