My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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