i think my mom watched the whole time
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
