So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
