i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
