It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
