don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
