My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
