capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
