Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
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