My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish you could order shots online.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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