I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
