Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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