I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
