and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
