wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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