I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Randomize
