she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
