**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
