Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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