So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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