from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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