If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
