Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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