Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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