The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Verdict: uncircumcised.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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