unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
