im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
