i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
