Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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