I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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