Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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