I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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