A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
