I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sobbing to NWA
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
