You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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