she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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