I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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