I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
