i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
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