Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I faked an abortion last night.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When did angry sex become our thing?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
