genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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