i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
