My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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