I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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