dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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