The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
