We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
