dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
