I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
